Poor Tom Ridge. He just can't catch a break. The man is doing the absolute best that he can to keep us safe from Al Qaeda, not to mention Fred Qaeda, Ralph Qaeda, Guido Qaeda, Jose Qaeda, and all those other bad-ass Qaeda boys lurking behind every dumpster on Wall Street, just waiting for their chance to destroy the American financial system by overpricing Google's IPO... no, actually, they're planning another humongous terrorism attack, very, very soon, EVEN AS WE SPEAK, Secretary Ridge is absolutely sure, 100% certain, well, pretty darned suspicious, anyway. So he goes to a great deal of trouble to raise the Homeland Security Advisory Level (ten bucks says you don't know the current level right now, coincidentally also my blood pressure every time this nonsense gets spun up again) and everybody gives poor old Tom a ration of you-know-what because -- talk about being PICKY -- his intelligence is two, three, maybe four years old. What's the big deal? I suppose YOU'VE never misplaced a important piece of paper on YOUR desk. And it's not a good idea to rush this kind of thing. Intelligence is like fine wine, it needs to age until it's seasoned, ready. "We will act on no intelligence before its time," that's Tom's motto.
I have to admit that I haven't been a big fan of this whole scene from the gitgo. It's that bizarre name. As I am something of a history buff, the Department of Homeland Security reminds me of nothing so much as the Committee of Public Safety or, in its native language, Comité de Salut Public. Ring any bells? Does the name Robespierre mean anything to you? Yes, it's that zany bunch of Frenchmen who had the whole country in stitches during the French Revolution and in the process lopped off a whole mess of heads. Now some of them probably deserved it (take Marie Antoinette, for that moronic "Let 'em eat cake" remark) while many of them certainly did not (among them famous chemist Antoine Lavoisier, executed for adulterating tobacco, whatever that means). But no matter how you look at it, randomly separating citizens from their domes doesn't exactly make a stellar contribution to public safety, unless you subscribe to the theory that fewer people makes the world a better place just on general principles. And you can make a case for that. Who among us, standing in a long line at the bank or supermarket checkout, has not secretly fantasized about summary executions, starting with that little old lady fishing the pennies one by one out of the bottom of her purse? And that guy in the flame-painted low rider with the teeny chrome wheels and the chain-link steering wheel, blaring rap music at the stop light at, oh, about a million decibels? A little house call by Dr. Guillotine would clear his problem right up.
And what's this "homeland" business? Why not "national" or "domestic" or "U.S." or "The George W. Bush Reelection Fund?" Doesn't "homeland" sound a lot like "fatherland," as in this quote from a history text:
In 1914, World War 1 broke out and Hitler saw this as a great opportunity to show his loyalty to the "fatherland" by volunteering for the Imperial army.
Anyway, the whole thing creeps me out, so I do my best to stay out of Ridge's crosshairs, mostly by checking out library books under an assumed name and limiting my contact with terrorists, in other words, anyone with an Arabic-sounding name. Especially that Barack Obama guy. How in God's name did that man slip through security at the Democratic Convention, even allowing for the fact that the entire Democratic party is a bunch of pinko-commie, gun-hating, gay-marriage-loving, tax-and-spend faggots? The name tag alone should have given him away:
HELLO, I'M OBAMA, BARACK
HELLO, I'M OSAMA BIN LADEN
HELLO! Most of the letters are the same and a fair number are even in the same places. If that doesn't buy Obama bin Barack an orange jumpsuit and a one-way ticket to Gitmo, I don't know what does. Chances are the only thing that saved him from immediate arrest was the fear that those whining sissies over at the ACLU would stir up a fuss and affect the president's reelection chances. But no, I'm wrong about that. Politics doesn't have the slightest impact on Tom Ridge's decision-making process:
"We don't do politics in the Department of Homeland Security."
QwertN^$%#&GFGDG.... Sorry, I lost it there for a second, I was laughing so hard the snot was running down my face and onto the keyboard. Tom Ridge doesn't do politics? That's like saying Little Bo Peep doesn't do sheep! He's the quintessential political animal -- governor, congressman, lawyer -- hell, the man hasn't done a lick of honest work in a long, long time. It's true he did win a medal in Vietnam, although those present at the time, including Ridge himself, aren't sure that he should have received it. And does he feel like a fish out of water in the Bush White House or what, being practically the only one in the building with actual military experience. My guess is that Tom mostly hangs around the water cooler swapping war stories with Colin. A good thing, too, since no one else in the White House will talk to our much-maligned Secretary of State. But I digress.
Ever wonder how they make decisions like this one? Let's peek into the innermost sanctum at the DHS where Ridge and his brain trust are considering whether to raise the alert level:
Flunky: Secretary Ridge, I hate to bother you with this, but every time I walk into my office I trip over this big stack of reconnaissance data intercepted from Al Qaeda. My Arabic isn't too good, but it looks like they've been showing an unusual amount of interest in Wall Street, although it could be Fleet Street, Bourbon Street, Easy Street, Baker Street, 10 Downing Street, "Nightmare on Elm Street," or "A Streetcar Named Desire." Anyway, it's recent intelligence.
Ridge: How recent is it, Johnny?
Flunky: Very recent. Very, very recent. Boy, is it recent! Some of it even happened AFTER September 11, 2001!
Ridge: That IS recent! We should do something irrational and impulsive based on this recent intelligence. What do you suggest?
Flunky: Well, sir, we COULD investigate further and make sure our information is accurate before we take any action that might influence the outcome of the upcoming election.
(Silence, followed by hysterical laughter).
Ridge: Good one! You really had me there for a second.
Flunky: Or we can raise the terrorism alert level and scare the crap out of people, especially in toss-up states like Iowa and New Mexico.
Ridge: That's more like it. When do we move?
Flunky: Here's a calendar, Mister Secretary. We are right here (points to August). You can ignore that circled date way over here (points to the first week in November), that's Election Day which of course has absolutely no bearing on your decision to raise the terrorism alert level (wink, wink).
Ridge: Yes. Of course. The fact that President Bush losing the election would result in every person in this room getting unceremoniously booted out of our cushy, six-figure jobs can't play the slightest role in my decision (wink, wink). By the way, what IS the current level?
Flunky (confused look): Uh, I don't know, sir.
Flunky #2 (equally confused look): No clue, sir.
Flunky #3 (even more confused look): Beats my pair of jacks, sir.
Ridge: Okay, never mind. Whatever it is, raise it. And while we're at it, can we have get some new colors for alert levels, maybe mauve, chartreuse, something like that? I'm sick of this yellow-orange-green thing. Boorrring!!!
All things considered, you have to admit, Tom Ridge is a decent guy. He's even got an airport named for him, can you top that? And just look at him. He's one happy-go-lucky guy. What's not to like? He's hit the big time, strolling the corridors of power, hobnobbing with the big boys, making serious bucks, having sex with all the female interns ... no, wait, that was Clinton. Tom Ridge does NOT have sex with interns.
Certainly not with the terrorism alert level at, er, what is it again?
CLUELESS IN BLOGLAND
August 4, 2004
Comments